My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
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After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
What a website
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!