Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
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I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
new year update: losing everything but weight
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’