“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
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What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.