The future is now.
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I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
won’t smith
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again