Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
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“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.