The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
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If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.