Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
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[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date