judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
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Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
The Book. The Movie.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.