me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
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I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.