Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
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Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
WWE is French for “yes”
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭