Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
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I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.