My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
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[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
B
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.