Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
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Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Husband of the year 😂
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Animal poetry
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”