’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
You Might Also Like
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
The old gods are rising again.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me