Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
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Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
I ate everything, including the H.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Velcrow