“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
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I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
lmfao
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
How actors in movies eat their food
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine