[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
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Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?