I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
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If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up