I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
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My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?