At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
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Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back