My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
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me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
😆this is so true
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Guilty! 🤪
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.