I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
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I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.