Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
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Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
also my go-to takeaway order
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
No chill.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride