Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
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White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.