I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
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[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
can’t catch a break
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.