You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
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no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*