As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
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[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks