The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
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I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*