Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
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Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol