I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
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*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert