You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
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I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?