*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
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Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
50 shades of grey = my Liver
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.