DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
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Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
🤣🤣🤣🤣
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.