Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
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Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
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You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
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Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
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Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
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SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
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*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
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