Absolute genius if you ask me 馃憣馃ぃ
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Don鈥檛 tell me you鈥檙e into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I鈥檝e reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I鈥檓 looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
The first rule of Swim Club is don鈥檛 talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I came this close!!!!
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics