Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
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“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Yup
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make