[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
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friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win