Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
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I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
They’re called werewolves.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Just why bro?!
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.