Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
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girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.