PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
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Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
what kind of cook setting is this??
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.