You Might Also Like
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Every BBC series about the universe.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though