An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
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“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.