You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
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I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
How all things should be taught/explained.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.