I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
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Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.