Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
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Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Me too 😆
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?