do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
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My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Attacked by a mop.