Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
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*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Breaking news:
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.