Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
You Might Also Like
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me