CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
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Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.