[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
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[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back